john2 posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 9:24am

A much better chapter, but the sexual banter in the midst of the obligatory Malfoy makes threats on the Hogwarts Express scene were:

a) out of character;

b) trite;

c) glaringly Kinsfire, when you're continuing another writer's story.

Other than that, the continuity and characterization were better.

J (Kokopelli)

James Barber posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 9:11am

Great change but you left out one hell of a part from the first draft, the one where Lily and Hermione are talking about boys in general and Harry in particular and where Lily states to Hermione that she he works her up, hot and bothered then horny!

Unless you put in in a chapter earlier, I'll admit I just reread the last two chapters not the whole thing again!?!

BJH posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 6:03am

I find it interesting that no one has yet pointed out that, rather than seeking to fulfill the prophesy in the most efficient way as Albus claims, what he was actually doing was trying to control it, to use it as a weapon as he used Harry. Couldn't the prophesy have been equally fulfilled if Harry, thanks to the love and support of his family, struggled with the responsibility of the prophesy until he matured enough to fulfill it? That would have met the requirements nicely. Or perhaps the rigorous training required of an Auror plus the added training from Dumbledore and other wizards could have been the adversity Harry overcomes? The prophesy could have been fulfilled in any number of ways. Albus did not seek to fulfill destiny but to control it. Hubris in the tradition of the best greek tragedies. His position, and therefore his justification for his actions, is fundamentally flawed and I wonder if anyone will point this out to him? It could be fun if it was Severus who finally gets through with this point at his trial.

BJH

Oldwolf posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 5:28am

Hmm...... Polyjuice perhaps? That could certainly explain the discordance between Susan's knowledge of her aunt and the person who spoke to Tonks. If that was instead Umbridge pretending to be Madam Bones it would certainly go a long ways towards explaining her behavior. It should be a crime for someone to impersonate the Head of MLE, especially in the office, though I doubt anything would come of it.

gadriam posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 3:27am

..And the Kinsfire touch announces itself in vivid primary colours and the scent of chocolate and vanilla. The difference is noticeable, but since the storyline changes direction a bit with the return to school, it flows.
Thoroughly enjoyable.

g

BloodTalons posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 3:06am

Went back and looked over my copy and compared it...

I see the changes now. You tightened up the situation with Bones making it less obscure to the reader that something nefarious is going on there. Also, tightened up the romantic relationships of the kids, although I thought the original ice breaking kiss between Harry and Hermione was pretty good. So, was the interactions between Harry/James and Hermione/Lily.

BloodTalons posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 3:00am

Didn't notice any major changes...still an excellent chapters as it was before whatever changes you made.

Charles Slone posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 2:53am

Ahhh, sweet justice to Snivillius ;) great chapter

David Thacker posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 2:53am

I think this was a better chapter than the rist version of it.Can not wait to see what you have happen next.

Skoell posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 2:46am

nice chapter! great story!

well, now that severus is out of hogwarts, maybe lily will take over potionsclass? i mean, we know that she was good at it in school, maybe even better than snape....
...and it would be entirely too funny to make her also the head of slytherin house....that would surely mock some pureblood-sissys like malfoy...=P

Ryu Son Goku posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 1:54am

I like it. It does seem to flow a bit better than the last version. Looking forward to more.

Treck posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 1:31am

You have an evil streak in you a mile wide. I liked the changes, but as usual I hate where you break your chapters.

DJ posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 1:05am

Is Harry go to figure out that umbitch was standing in for Bones? I look foward to seing what you come up with next.

Christopher Estep posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 1:00am

In a word....*BOOM*.

There is still the mystery as to what is going on with Amelia Bones. Is she under Imperio (highly unlikely, but possible), stating her true position (also possible, but decidedly disappointing, if true) or baiting a trap (Amelia rose through the ranks, starting as a basic Auror; further, she is certainly well aware there are *other* DE-symps, if not outright DEs, hidden within her own Department, which is one of the Ministry's largest)?

Amamama posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 12:48am

Heavily rebuilt, oh yes. But what wonderful effect it had, the chapter flows so much easier now.

I'm wondering about Hermione's parents - did they really die? I think so, but I want them not to. And what's up with Madam Bones, when her actions are so opposite of her normal behaviour that Susan end up all tears? Who's hexing her?

Nice seeing Dumbledore moving out of his funk (understandable, though it is) and taking some action - removing Snape will be a treat for all students. And who will replace him? Slughorn?

Harry's replies to Malfoy was a treat. Blonde twit, when will he ever learn?

Thanks a bunch!

Teresa Lynne posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 12:44am

I enjoyed the first version of this chapter, but this one is even better! I just hope that Susan doesn't get hurt trying to discover what's going on with her aunt.....but then, perhaps the information that Harry and the others are receiving about will awaken all their suspicions. Thanks for the chapter!

Wonderbee31 posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 12:34am

Wow, again, a powerful chapter, and a shame sometimes to see the Slythein group so willing to blindly follow, just to do so it seems. I do have some hoppe that maybe some of them might come around to a lighter way of thinking, though I wonder how things will continue to go between Molly and Lily, and wonder what it might do to Harry if the two most important mother figures in his life had a screaming, hexing argument.

Alexis posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 12:32am

I liked the original chapters fine the first time, but you have definitely improved the flow of the story and it is a little bit more fleshed out. I like the part with Harry telling Susan about her aunt and I wait to see what happens because of it. Hermione is trying to be strong, but her friends are there to support her - nicely shown. Great two chapters!

Wonderbee31 posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 12:18am

Nice to see this again, and will be looking forward to what happens next. Really like that this version of Remus is trying at least, and that James and Lilly are trying as well, and that Harry isn't just automatically accepting them like nothing happened.

atlantis-rob posted a comment on Friday 1st June 2007 12:05am

Nice work on the changes K, gave it aa slightly more fleshed out feel. Especially the confrontation with malfoy. CheerS!