The Resident posted a comment on Saturday 18th March 2006 8:40am for Chapter 5

A truly outstanding story. Thank you for the opportunity to read it. Look at me, an editor for years and I can't find any more words to say how much I enjoyed this story. Thank you again.

sasqch posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 11:55pm for Chapter 5

Okay, I’m sorry to say that I did not like this story. And no, not simply because of the slash element, no matter how minor it may have been displayed.

There were things that really gave this story a chance to be very entertaining and gripping. I really thought the telling of each person’s individual story the way you did was very interesting. It made the narrative different and made me as the reader feel the importance of "seeing" the events from the speaker’s eyes. I will say that it was odd to have the speaker say things directly to other members of the story, and react to whatever was replied, but we, as the audience never heard the actual reply. Yeah, you had the first-person narrator’s next line give a basic summary or recap of whatever was said or happened (as in Harry’s running commentary on the room’s reaction to his tale), but it was a little weird at first.

I also liked the brutality of the Death Eaters, as well as Harry’s response to them. Even though the books are marketed as kid’s literature, the story deals with mass murderers. They would not be nice people; they should be ruthless sociopaths without any sense of remorse, because they see others as lesser beings. I’m not saying I’m a fan of pain stories or anything, but I did like that each person was the target of a completely different and unique set of tortures. Except for Ron, each of the kidnapped victims faced a series of events that have never been documented before in the Potter Universe. But the tortures were not unbelievable; that is what was so moving and disturbing about them. And that is why Harry’s response was not only acceptable, it is almost expected.

I thing I found interesting about this story was that Voldemort was not even worth mentioning. He was dead long before the events of the story take place, yet that wasn’t even really cleared up until the last bit when Harry is talking to Neville’s aunt about his sacrifice. I will admit that having a story where Voldemort is already gone, is not necessarily a new one for me, I don’t think I’ve run across one where his Death Eaters played such a prominent role without at least detailing the final battle. But the idea of Neville being crucial to Voldemort’s final downfall, at the cost of his own life, yet Harry being the only one to receive the accolades is a very believable extra bit of angst for Harry. He would see himself at fault for not saving Neville, and now he is "basking" in the glory that should (in Harry’s eyes) be Neville’s.

Not, the things that really ruined the story for me were the sporadic characterizations.

The biggest and most glaring was Tonks. She appears to have been thrown in at the last minute, without really thinking of how she should fit into the rest of the story. Suddenly, the neighbor of three years, whom Harry has really never talked to, is a friend who had put her own life on hold in order to try and help him. Huh? How? She never approached him. She simply watched him slowly die. How is this helping him? She isn’t bright enough, apparently, to think up of a cover name other than her own. Dora? Yeah, that’s not unique. And after calling Harry by his first name. Isn’t she supposed to be a trained Auror? Shouldn’t she be at least a little better at a stakeout/undercover thing? Of course, the idea that Tonks was a last minute addition (and possible sop to the Harry/Tonks fans) was the omission of her status in the final scene. Harry’s birthday party has his entire family and loved ones around him: "entire Weasley Clan, Tonks, Moody, Albus Dumbledore, and most importantly Hermione, Luna, and the three children each woman had borne". But wait, where’s Tonks? And when the group returned to England, Harry specifically mentioned all "four" of them being pregnant, so where’s her child?

Another glaring characterization problem, to me, and it ties into Tonks’ existence in the story, is Hermione. She is overly concerned over Harry. She is devastated at how bad off, emotionally, he is. She has just started to get through to him, along with the others. She has just basically become engaged to him, before the whole oath taking to become a group existence. Yet, she abandons him to go after Tonks. Yes, I can see her being concerned that Tonks not be upset and run away, if Harry was truly interested in Tonks being a part of the fledgling group. But why would she go alone? But more importantly, why would she be gone for the state 90 minutes without contacting Harry? Up until this point of the story, she has been so focused on Harry and his emotional stability, and Harry in return has used her as his lodestone, that for her to leave him, without warning, without an update, for such a length of time doesn’t fit with the established character. Yes, you wanted to establish that Hermione was completely "bi" and wanted Tonks as much as Harry did. Yes, you wanted to establish that Tonks was willing to reciprocate the feelings. But why would the scene have occurred in another place, separated from the rest of the new family? Why didn’t Hermione insist on bringing Tonks back to Harry’s first? He was worried when she did finally return. And Hermione had to have known that he would be more than slightly on edge. And why wasn’t Harry, as paranoid as he was about not worthy, think that Hermione was leaving him? Remember, he tried to get them to leave him after he told his story. And that occurred after this very odd scene.

Yet another problem I had with the characterization was the apparent pairings. Luna makes the comment that Hermione would already be on Harry and her multiple offspring if it weren’t for the events of the kidnapping and torture. But, according to Harry, the day of the said event, he was kissing Luna. And he was looking forward to being with Luna more. Yes, Luna may be a seer, but then why would she have "interfered" with destiny by stepping in front of Hermione and being with Harry? And then there is Ron’s comment that he and Luna are in love. Huh? That’s the first time that’s been mentioned. In fact, Ron and Luna hadn’t even been mentioned in the same breath before. But suddenly they’re a couple, who happen to be in love with Harry. But if that statement is true, then Harry’s comment about Hermione’s child being either Harry’s or Ron’s makes no sense, because Ron apparently is not in love with anybody but Luna or Harry. And no, I don’t buy the idea that Ron was making up a phantom romance to appease his mother’s sensibilities.

Finally, I do want to make one comment about the slash kiss itself. I make no bones about being an anti-slash person. But, against my nature, I gave this story a try, based on your author’s notes that the scenes were nearly non-existent. The complaint I have is why was the slash kiss so graphically described as compared to any other encounter? Harry and Ron’s kiss was described as having their tongues in a war. No other kiss was described with more detail than just that: a kiss. Was it necessary to get the point across? Did you think the readers weren’t going to get the idea of the two guys kissing unless you used a more visual approach? None of the kisses are even described with anything close to this amount of visual information.

Chris

James Benfield posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 4:33pm for Chapter 5

sorry for reviewing twice, but I forgot to mention the torture and slash aspects of the story. The torture didn't bother me in the slightest, I'm rather dark so that was about normal for me. The slash was done so tastefully that I didn't have a problem with it, and actually enjoyed it. That says alot as I normally am one of the people scrreaming bloody hell when its mentioned (male slash, not femslash...typical guy there, lol). Again, great story!

James

James Benfield posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 4:30pm for Chapter 5

Great story! I love how you had Harry run after everything was finished, as it is something I could see him doing in the books. The fact taht he wents nuts and executed twenty death eaters when his friends were hurt is something I also see him doing, proof being that he cast an unforgivable at Trixie at the end of the fifth book. Keep up the good work my friend, you inspire alot of people, including myself.

James

Crys posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 3:09pm for Chapter 5

If I had to guess, Tonks was a last minute addition. Why?

1) Harry bought five first class tickets.
2) Tonks isn't listed in the last paragraph.
3) She's mentioned as a guest, not the "most important" list in the third to last paragraph.
4) Her inclusion feels just a little stilted compared to the others.

Anyway, nice little fic, Kinsfire.

AK posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 2:55pm for Chapter 5

Well it was a nice story, one thing i have to comment on. I find it strange that you insisted so much about there being a homosexual theme as to not shock people on the email we got. And yet said nothing about the rather graphic torture description. Now I prefer not to read anything that involves two men in a sexual way but I have to admit that torture shocks me a wee bit more. Strange priorities you got! anyway thats my rant

Kinsfire replied:

Can't say as I argue with you on that, but I've seen people scream bloody murder about even a hint of slash in a story where something far worse than what's in this story happens, and they don't even blink over the gore.

So I stressed the slash aspect so that no one can complain that they didn't know.

Shawn Pickett posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 2:21pm for Chapter 5

See, yes there was definetly a bit of homosexuality in this, but it was handled in such a way that it really wasn't disturbing at all. Outstanding work as usual Kinsfire, thank you.

David Thacker posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 1:18pm for Chapter 5

Thank you for this story and the time and effort that you have put in to it.Please ignore any and all flames.Enjoy your self when you write and have fun in your life when you can.

Philipe posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 12:49pm for Chapter 5

Where did you saw any slash scene?

Anyway, i digress.. Really like it.. once again, you got my eyes misty - i'm a man, i do not cry (he. hehe. hehe.) - with some story.. At first, this HArry looked a lot like the one in family matters, but latter i could see a diference.. But i really like it.. And since i usualy do read slash (aldo i rather if the main paring is het, or a least H. with girls), i didn't see anything that offended anyone with a slash problem (hehe).. Come on, the most homossexual thing that happen was ron last frase on the story.. Witch i tought terribly funny.. So don't worry about it.. The only problem was Tonks small part in the story..

Love it Keith..
See ya.
P.

Treck posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 12:14pm for Chapter 5

Umm.... I really liked this. Though my perverted side wants an NC-17 out take of that first night.

It did leave one burning question though... What the hell happened to Snape?

Ronnie McMains posted a comment on Friday 17th March 2006 10:51am for Chapter 5

Wow. I don't think I have the words to say more, just...wow.